Writing!!!

Writing!!!

Writing!!!

Writing!!!

I wake up everyday, so does the rest of the world.
But there is a difference, for I am not really much interested in waking up.

I work in a software firm. Why? I do not know. All that I know is that I must earn some bucks to keep myself alive.

Oops. This violates the first law by which I operate, which says: "To keep your self alive is not mandatory".

But there is a second law which makes it necessary for me to work.

The second law goes like this: "As long as you are biologically alive, just save yourself from crawling on the streets. Not Evolving is a crime against nature." This translates to "You can neither kill yourself nor degrade yourself in many manner, indeed you should evolve”

And obviously when there are two contiguous laws, there would be a third one too. Okay, it goes like this “Nothing except Music, Dance and Speed can ever excite you”. It’s more of “you cannot” than “you should not”.

It takes much courage to break the fundamental laws by which you operate. At some point of time in life, certain situations or certain people in your life, you get to feel that the laws
could be flawed. Probably, the laws are taking me to nowhere.

Life as such on this planet is moving towards what? My life as an individual is heading towards what. There could be people who would ask me, why are you unnecesserily thinking about life instead of living it.

Living life itself has become a problem. By this I dont mean the mere sustenance of life, but the direction in which life is flowing. I am talking about the vector and not the scalar.

I agree when sustenance of life itself is aproblem to many in this world, the direction does not matter at all to them. There are lot of problems like, how are we gonna get drinking water? How are we gonna plan the sewage? how am I going to equip myself to become sucessful in my profession? How am I going to cope with this summer heat? What am I going to do the next weekend? How much salary am I gonna earn when I am two years from now? How am I gonna become more popular and wanted in the workplace? When will I get promotion? When will I get married? How am I gonna help the unfortunate lot down the ladder? How much happy am I gonna be by doing something?

And these question vary according to where you are currently standing in the social and economic ladder coupled by the age and gender.

But I really cannot believe that these are the right set of questions. Deep down I feel that there is something fundamentally wrong with this life or the way we are living it.

Nobody is all the time happy on this planet. People are all the time behind something, either acquiring materials, fame or people or pleasure or peace or moksha or love or power. Something or the other. And the chase continues non-stop till the grave.

And in between this there are various masks of that we wear that finally we end up forgetting what was there behind it. Almost every act of communication between any two people is nothing but exchange of information done in a dramatic way. If it were robots they wouldn't waste so much energy on these dramas. We concentrate a lot on them and call it the art of communication, because we need to get things done. One uses another for some purpose. It is a mutually benefitting business.

Everybody is acting and we are doing nothing else but that. Being polite, friendly, aggresive...whatever masks you name, they are all not my face, but mere masks developed as a matter of human civilisation which has co-existance as the key factor. And this one factor has given risen to so many masks.
What ever relationships you name can be brought under this one factor.

If I would have been in the iron age, and If I was powerful enough, I would have defined my territory and would have only those people who are subordinate to me or some way useful to me. Nobody likes somebody sitting on top of their head. If possible the would revolt against me, if I can show my power I will control else lose out.
This happens even today except that it is hapening disguise with increased tolerance limit.

At the end of the day with everything in our hands, we would still be a beggar in a unknown territory of life looking into dark sky with utmost ignorance.

But still some important portion is missing from the jig-jaw. (To be cont.)

I have an obsessive compulsive disorder.

 

I love initiating things. I just love naming things. So I created an another page?

Not really because of this. Then?

 

When I was a child, writing and reading stories was a huge passion for me. I thought I could spend all my life digging into books.

 

It was quite engaging, and writing stories became a big hit with me.

 

The first story I wrote was "Adventures of Vikram - On the High Seas". Sounds bad, may be. But Vikram was a name that meant everything great on earth to me. He was an energetic, intelligent,  adventure seeking, boy of virtues and a blessed one. And he had a pet - a dog. I forgot his name.

 

Does this character sound familiar to you? If not, then you were denied your share of pancha tantra, hardy boys, famous five during your childhood time. I used to like science fiction the most. Time machine is still my favorite story.

 

So thus came my story’s hero who happens to be on a ship on his bon voyage with his parents for spending the vacation. Ya, then parents can get months of holidays, even when they are not millionaires in my stories. 

 

Then the ship encounters a storm and a chain of stone islands - where the ship gets zapped into pieces. The only survivors moving onto the next frame of the story would be Vikram, his doggy, and the captain of the ship. How hollywoodish :).

 

They somehow take a broken piece of wood and row themselves to the nearest main island. But then Vikram finds the captain dead by the time they reach the island (you need someone to handle things like making a boat out of a broken wooden peice right? Its not a thing a 12 year can handle. So was the captain kept alive.

 

Then Vikram would lay the captain's body to rest on the shores and go around looking for food.

They would find some fruits. Spend the night on the top of that tree. And there ends the first chapter of the story.

 

But unfortunately or otherwise, the second part never came up. I got too bored continuing the story.

The first part was an assignment to be submitted in the English class. And you wouldn’t believe one of my close friends, my class mate who eagerly read my story, wrote almost something similar to mine and just rechristened it and showed the same to me.

 

I was in fits of anger, and I blasted him like a red hot club. And that was my first quarrel.

 

And I had written stories one or two after that, all incomplete, deserted.

 

I started writing poems when I had my first crush. Words were simple but yet they were beautiful. It was my first crush. Then the poem writing went on for a while. I still remember writing one really long story in a poem based format (I got no idea of the technicality behind literature) as a love letter.

 

The creative cells were firing up well till when experiences really let down the oxygen supply - I was choking.

 

And then another thing happened. I started seeing things as they were. The dreaming faculty which helped me to create was dying a slow death. And I couldn't help it. And I neither wanted to.

 

I started moving away from fiction, and discovered that the life I am living is by itself a fiction. What’s the need for another one - like a dream inside a dream?

 

I stand here looking into the mirror and see only reflections and nothing more.

 

Why another blog - Just like that, same stuff is going to be put up there and here. Just that it is on blogspot and I found the design of that site more professional, pleasing and simple.

 

This MSN-Space lacks that - simplicity.

 

Anyway here it is - http://izzcubez.blogspot.com/

 

You shall read whichever is comfortable for you, not that I have a huge readership that I need to distribute load over two different servers. I would have deleted this Spaces account, but it is not costing me a penny, so what is the problem – let it live.

I have always wondered right from my childhood, as how to know if I am.

This is a strange question that kept hitting my mind right from the early days when it started working.

How to know who is on the other side?!

Is it me who is mad, or the other person?
Is it me who is behind the prison or the other...
Sitting inside a closed room, have i shut the world off from me, or is it the other way..?

Like that zen-monk who was wondering who was who, whether if it was he was really he 'lao tzu'  standing there or a butterfly who was dreaming to be lao tzu...

i am confused who am I...the doggy on the street that looked into my eyes, was i the looker or the looked...

[lao tzu: one night he had a dream in which he flies around as a butterfly, when he gets up in the morning he is  terribly confused as what he is... since if lao tsu can sleep and dream to be a butterfly, similarly any butterfly can sleep and dream to be lao tsu. Now his confusion was whether if he was really lao tsu or a butterfly who was dreaming to be lao tsu...]      

 My friend's wedding

One of my friend who was also my x- project mate's marriage was on 26th of dec last year at pathanamthitta. I wanted to attend it by all means. The main reason is obvious that he is my friend,and but the other one was, I wanted to attend a christian marriage.

I had some personal work in coimbatore, also I wanted to visit my cousin sis there. So i had the tickets to coimbatore on wednesday night and then from coimbatore to ernakulam on sunday night (actually monday morning at 00.45 hrs).

And from Trivandrum to chennai by ananthapuri express at 4.15 pm on monday the 26th.

The reason for such a poor (tight) travel arrangement was, the train's were running more than full, and the idea of appyling for one more days's leave was forbidden.

On wednesday, I left office early at 4.00 pm itself. The train was only at 10.15 pm. But did not have much to do that day. So thought better be at home.

My brother dropped me at the Sub-urban railway station, reached park, then central, the train was in there already. And just after the ticket validation by the T.T, i went up to sleep.

I love sleeping in the train (I guess everybody would), the train sound is one good lullaby, and with that soft rocking that it offers, with typical blue light on the ceiling - I would be transported to an another world. The train ride is worth the money.

Beside me there was a guy with two kids. When the T.T came in for ticket checking, he had already slept. When TT asked him for ticket, he would simply wake up and then go back to sleep. He was not able to realise that the was on a train, he was a in a different world. I suspected if he was drunk. But after some violent shooks from the T.T, he woke up and showed the ticket. But something about him was wrong.

I didn't know that the final destination of that train was coimbatore, so every now and then I woke up to see if I had reached.

Then finally it reached, spending the last 1.5 hrs in trying to wake up, for sleep was not a problem, just closing my eyes I would move to sleep. And the exit/entry arrangement in coimbatore station was really not a good idea. One has to take the underground subway to hit the station entrance, from the platforms. And since it was the single point for exit/entry, it gets heavily crowded. I just waited on the side, since I did not want to take the risk of getting crushed up. I was in no hurry, so opted to wait.

Then took a bus to gandhinagar bus stand, from just outside the station. On the way, the conductor announced that we have reached Gandhipuram private bus stand. Even when I had come to coimbatore more than the number of times I had visted bangalore, I am not really sure about where is what. So without a thought got down and searched for the bus - that could take me to my destination which is around 35 kms from the city. Then I learnt that this was a inter-town service bus stand. And the bus stand stand I was supposed to reach was at around a half a km from there.

I had decided not to take a auto or cab for reaching any place, it would be either Bus or just nataraja service - walking. I walked with my huge bag towards the bus stand. And it was on the other side of the road. To cross it, I had to take a cross over stairs. It was really high and steep.

The things I really admire about coimbatore is its wondeful weather, the beatiful kongu tamizh (I almost hate the tamizh being spoken in chennai). And the fact that area names and street names are in pure tamizh. Like ukkadam, opanakara veedhi. etc. Unlike in chennai where areas names are either PETaiS - like chetpet, saidapet etc, or NAGARs - Anna nagar, besant nagar, or Bakkams or Vakams - Nungambakkam, valasaravakkam etc.

The place seemed to be a lot more clean than chennai both on the ground and the air as well, but I cannot be really sure about this, since I had not been to all places. Seeing Besant nagar or Adyar alone, anybody visting chennai could be fooled to think that chennai is all green and beauty. If only they would have a glimpse of North Chennai, they will get the real picture, as how dirty things can get. Same is the case with mumbai, calcutta, bangaloor or any other growing city/town.

The journey to my destination was realy amazing. It was always either green fields, trees (vayal veli, thoppu) on all directions of my view. The rain gods I guess spared kovai of the heavy rainfall that the rest of tamil nadu expereinced, so there was no trace of any kind of destruction.

It was getting pretty cold with the windows open. I was sitting between one guy and another woman who was selling flowers I beleive. Her koodai(basket) was covered with cloth, but the fragrance was of some flower, I initially feared it would be some rotten fish.

The life style of those people were quiet relaxed, and laid back. I do not know if their life was all fun and frolic, but definitely it was deeply knit with the nature.

The three days stay amidst the moutains was a quite pleasant.

Wanted to see all the stars that were always present but invisible to my eyes because the city lighting. But unfortunately the clouds covered up.

On sunday I left back to coimbatore again. It was one hell of a journey. I got into the front side of the bus with my huge bag. And found in kovai the front portion of the bus was reserved for women which I didn't know. Luckily the conductor and the women there, did not object to my presence their, otherwise it would have been a big mess with my huge bag. I moved to one corner of the bus sticking to the steel bar. But my bag, I did not know where it was. That journey was very much physicaly taxing. With my one arm on one upper railing and another somewhere else, and bus shaking out like crazy, And you have women all around you, they would kick me out if only I would dash on even accidentally.

And with that nauseating ride, got down at the coimbatore station at around 7.00 PM. I had still around 6 hrs to go for my eranakulam bound train to hit the station.

First visited a hotel that was straight opposite to the station, the food was pathetic. Then bought a Kerala Road map guide. Then opened my purse to find that I was running low on money. Came out of the station, asked if there was any ICICI ATM around, an auto driver told me it was around two kilometers from there.
I thought that the guy was fooling me, just like the auto drivers in chennai do. I thanked him and remarked "I would better take a walk, since I have a lot of time."

I started walking with baggage. I walked and walked and walked. I found the ATMs of all other banks, even those banks I had never heard about. But this one was out of sight. It was a main road, but at places it was really dark, without street light and people. Surprisingly, it was just around 9 pm, and the city was already underneath the blanket.

And finally (I guess this was more than the 2 km the auto driver mentioned) I reached the ATM. (And all this with my huge bag on my shoulders, If only I knew earlier I would have dropped it in the Luggage Room..)

The ATM was attached to the Bank but could not find a Security Personnel nearby. Drew the minimal cash I required. And planned to take the bus back to the station. Searched for the bus stop, saw few women standing, looking on towards the road, for a Bus probably. Asked them which bus would take me from there to the station. 

But jusy before ths bus came, I felt like walking back. With my luggage, which by then got used to carrying,  started walking back, Trying to record everything I saw into my memory. I did not bring my 3230, so could not take any picture. There was a church on the way that was getting ready for the christmas celebration fully lighted. I always used to like nights filled with lights may it be Deepavali eve, or Kaartigai Deepam, or Christmas. During my school days when I has visited kerala during christmas, it would be a really a wonderful sight to see the stars in various shapes and sizes on the door's of people. After that I persuaded my father to buy one for myself. I still like it I guess.

On the way my brother called up , he told me there was some bus strike in Kerala. Then the thought of calling up my sis struck my mind. But the mobile I carried then had only her old contact number. She had recently shifted to tata indicom. But like mindless cuckoo tried to reach her, on her old number from a shop on the way. Twice I hit a wrong number and third time got "Number Not in use message". I observed that the shop owner was a mallu. So asked him, if there was a bus strike in Kerala. He called up somebody and verified to be otherwise. Just wondered from where father got such an information....

 

(to be contd in the next...)

[you could have spotted a lot of spelling msitakes, gramatical mistaskes etc, I would need some time to edit it.

I may do it some time later, as of now please bear with it]

I love sitting on the top of the toppest point in the entire locality. Its a 12 floor building. And my friend's apartment is at the seventh floor.

I go there when I get too clouded by the life and its people.
I would love to sit their and watch the world below. It would sometimes feel as god to sit there and watch others carry on with their mundane activities.

What do I do there, I just sit there and enjoy the height. I would be able to feel the wind passing by my ears.

And my friend would be doing his speech to the world. I would hear him as long as I can bear it. Then I would just ignore his words. He would stop it himself when he finds me not responding.

I dont mean that he does not make any sense at all, but he would be disturbing the sanctity of that place with words.

Its hard to be on a uncrowded spacein a city like this. And this place I had found is like a chamber of secret. The skies speak to me, the wind sing songs to me. Time stands still.And there is nothing.

I would slip into sleep, if only he was not there...

The language is the greatest barrier for any mind that endorses it. It sets in some level of limitation. You will not be able to feel or understand anything beyond which the language cannot stretch itself.

Sometimes I would spend the entire evening down there till sun sets in. Before going I would check what madhavan (maddy) is upto on his terrace. (I dont remember when I last saw him.)
His bungalow is next to this building where I practice silence.

Now its been long since I did that, I would like to do that again, may be this weekend if the clouds can have some mercy.

It has become quite occasional for me to visit my page. In the last few months I went to ooty, kodaikanal, my home town palghat...I am seeing them more frequent than ever before - Mountains. Had to cancel my trip to bglr and mysore, since my friend left for london. He was supposed to be my host.

Boosed with the top order during the informal get together in some resorts on the ECR. It was red-wine. I had never tried that before, and felt the taste was kinda ok and said its fine with me.  My DM (expand it as Delivery Manager), said it tastes really bad. Why the hell did he ask me, when he had his opinion already...It was a quite embarassing, I put the glass down like a donkey caught drinking shit..

Reading my previous blog thats now more than a month old now, people who know me asked me who is that yellow rose. Just for the clarification, the yellow rose is not a human. Its just a symbolic representation of blossoming, the widening of one's awareness and understanding. Atleast I have chosen to think so.

I guess I will be more regular in the coming days. I still read puja's page whenever I remember about my page. Indeed she was an inspiration for me to start this blogging.

The weather out is really pleasant. Cool and sunny, both at the same time.

Saw Harry Poter, yesterday, slept at my friends home nearby. Rode back home chilled to death in the morning cold. These are the only few months,  can feel the chill in Chennai during the early hours. For the pongal festival is an alarm, ringing "the hottest day is yet to come"...   

I had to each my home early, since my parents left for some place. And I had to get the keys.

I cant call it THE FILM. Found it a little boring, and stupid. And the guyz are grown up...The girl nomore looks like a girl, I am still happy seeing her as the small sweet girl. Harry remains the same,,except for his height. But somehow I feel humans dont look that beautiful when they grow up, it shows up on face. Its hard to a see a face thats not grief stricken. Have these people decided to live like that or, they dont have a choice?

The story somehow did not keep me stuck to my seats. The way they have taken, call it the technology was all I was able to appreciate. Cant tell which is true and illusion. It was truly brilliant. And surprisingly the story ended when I expected, something to turn up.   

its been one month since i made an entry...and more than that making an original entry...

however just to mark the one month occasion of visting my blog...i am scrapping here this...  

 

 

Is the twinkling a by-product of the phenomenon of refraction of light through the various layers of atmosphere?
Or, The effect of refraction a by-product of the nature's attempt to bring in the beauty of twinkling?

 

Is the chaos on earth a byproduct of your attempt to bring in some conciousness (humans) on this planet?
Or, Humans the by-product of your attempt to create chaos on earth?

 

My father, are you so silent because you want me to speak?
Or, Is your silence enforced on by my non-stop talking?

 

Am I asking all this because I want to know?
Or, Am I asking you because, you want to answer?

(when I read it, felt each and everyone of us are sailing in the same boat...only difference some have realised it...others have not...)_________________________________________________________________________

They call it the "Quarter-Life Crisis." It is when  you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing  that there are many things about yourself that you didn't know and  may not like. Your start feeling insecure and wonder where you will  be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know  where you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that maybe true. Those friends that you thought were so close to you aren't exactly the greatest people you  have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you don't recognize is that they are realizing that too, and aren't really cold, catty, mean, or insincere but  that they are as confused as you are.

You look at your job...and it is not even close to what you thought you would be doing. Or maybe you are looking for a job and realize that you are going to  have to start at the bottom and that really scares you. Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list of what is acceptable and what isn't. One minute, you are insecure and then the next, secure.

You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken easily and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lay in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough that you want to get to know better. Or maybe you love someone but love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you know that you aren't a bad person.

 One night stands and random hookups start to look cheap. Getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision. You worry about loans, money, and the future and making a life for yourself...and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!

I dont remember the exact lines but it goes like this:

"Either you should do things in life that others will write about you,  Or write things that others would love to read..."

But eh! What i am doing in this blogging space...